Pete Seeger and the wintery season..

To everything (turn turn turn), there is a season (turn turn turn).... (Pete Seeger)

There are seasons in life.. Looking back over the last 10 years I can clearly see definite seasons.

Uni was one. I didn't realise how care-free and easy life was. I was sharing a house with a friend, paying $90 per week rent and working 12 hours a week while getting a couple of hundred from the government each fortnight. I could do anything I wanted. I was young and in love with my newish boyfriend Johnny C. We got engaged during that season.

Then John and I got married. We had a season living in a tiny one bedroom apartment in Mitcham- it smelled a lot like curry no matter how hard we scrubbed those walls. We loved being close to one another, washing dishes shoulder to shoulder in our miniscule kitchen and I went through a "tinnie" or lucky phase during this time where I seemed to win every competition I entered, this included winning a car, 5 litres of ice cream, $500 and a diamond ring.. all from different competitions.

We lived as lead tenants supporting a man with cerebral palsy.. that was a season that was very rewarding but also very challenging. We lived there for two years until we were blessed with wee Molly and it wasn't manageable any more.

During Molly's infancy I was a stay at home mum and got to spend my days hanging with my mum's group while John worked as an integration aide.. another quite pleasant season.

Then we moved to Footscray.. We have been here 5 years and we have experienced different seasons even in that relatively short period of time. Another baby, kinder, school, friendships lasting and some I've lost, different phases; gardening, cooking, craft. John studying while I worked a little bit. I had a great work arrangement where I could work weekends and have the week free to spend with the kids.

Our time in Footscray has been really great. Aside from the factory smells and lack of trees, Footscray is a vibrant, lively community and it feels like home. There have been ups and downs but life's been pretty good.

Well, we are in a season right now.. and it is definitely a winter for me.

I never want to seem like a complainer.. I generally avoid people who complain a lot online and I've never wanted to be one. But there's complaining and then there is telling people about things that are hard. And that's how it is for us right now.. it's hard. I went out for dinner with some friends the other night and one of them said "Does anyone else feels like things are all too hard at the moment?"... We all nodded. Everyone seems to be feeling the same.. Perhaps it's the time of year.. Holidays feel so far away.. Winter solstice.

This "winter" just feels endless and I have been trying to put my chin up and get on with things but I can only keep it up for a few days between regular melt downs and teary spells. I'm actually having a good day today. The sun is out and I have had enough sleep. Today is one of those days where I feel like I can persevere through the rest of the year until John finishes studying.

I think the problem is that I feel like I'm stuck. I am working full time, which I never intended to do, but it has become necessary as we just can't afford to be earning any less than we currently earn. I am not doing particularly inspiring work .. I mean, it's ok.. many people would love to do what I do. I'm glad to have skills and to be offered enough hours to earn enough to (just) make ends meet but I'm not really happy. I want to work creatively. To do my own projects. To use my social work degree but not be so busy that I can't hang out with Richie.

I am struggling a lot to find reliable childcare and every time I need to make a new care arrangement for him I am reminded that he is not with me. I want to be the one taking him to the park and having babycinos. I am constantly running around, I feel like I pull up to school in the morning (a rolling stop) and push the girls out of the car so I can quickly rush to the next thing. The washing is piling up because neither John or I have the time or energy to do it and I am still struggling to make time to do anything nice for myself (although, credit to me, I am going to see Katie Noonan on Friday night with Mezz!).

But it's a season... it's a very hard season.. But I can see an end to it.

And it's my project to use the next 6 months to plan out how I want next year to feel and what things I need to put in place to set that up. It will be better.

I guess it's a good lesson to the girls that sometimes you just have to put your head down and work through the shitty stuff until it's over.

And it's not over for us yet.. but every day it's getting closer.

Little Things Splendid

Hey all,

Thanks for the overwhelming support in response to my last post. A few of you commented on the post which is lovely! But the thing that really took me by surprise was the number of emails and Facebook PMs I received saying things like "I'm a binge eater too!", "I have struggled with this too and here's what helped me" and "Thank you for making this very taboo issue public". I really feel so much support from you crazy internet cats. I have so much love for you guys.... no really.. I do.

I'm doing ok. I am on the waiting list to see a brain de-muddler (a psychologist) and have been back to my GP to get my pathology results. All were fine.. I even had ok vitamin D which is apparently quite a feat in Melbourne- especially if you work inside as much as I do.

Anyway. I was talking to one of my most special friends today Philippa about how having things to look forward to really makes it easier to get through the hard slog times and so I thought it might be a good time to tell you all about an exciting thing that is going to happen soon!

My lovely friend Mayra and I are launching a little Etsy shop called Little Things Splendid.. see our brief bio below;

Little Things Splendid is owned and run by Melbourne duo Ash and Mayra and was born out of a passion for all things cute, vintage, kitsch, hand made, splendid and delightful. In their "spare time" they scour Victoria's op-shops, flea markets, fetes, garage and jumble sales to bring only the loveliest to Little Things Splendid. They do the leg-work and scrounging so you don't have to.

If all goes to plan we will launch on June 14th. If you are a vintage lover you'll love our shop. We plan to keep the prices very reasonable and will ship internationally for you folks across the seas.

Our address will be www.etsy.com/shops/littlethingsplendid but it's not open yet! Stay tuned!!

You shouldn't blog angry... or sad.. or maybe you should..

Picture unrelated to my topic but I think it's genius and very green.. so here it is.

"I am in too bad a place tonight to blog"

It did cross my mind for about 30 seconds... and then I thought maybe it's better to blog it out. My GP told me to blog more.. well, she said I should write down my feelings in a diary... but this is the only place I write down anything meaningful so it seems only natural to use this space.

Anyway.. I'm angry.. and sad.. and feeling pretty crap.

Today at work someone snuck into the back room and stole my very lovely leather bag and my manager's very expensive, brand new watch that she had only received a few weeks ago from her parents as a graduation present. I was the only one in the store and had to spend quite a lot of time at the counter serving customers so couldn't be circulating around the shop. I have no idea who it would have been out of all the customers I had today... I said hello to everyone who walked in and not one of them made me think "hmm.. dodgy.. keep an eye on them". They were all perfectly lovely looking..

That's what makes me so cross.. I want to trust people.. I always cringe when I hear people say "you can't trust anybody".. "Yes you CAN! People are inherently good!" is what I say (in my mind) in reply... But maybe I can't..

I am an optimist by nature.. I look for the good in people.. But this kind of crap makes me question why I believe this. Why would someone walk into a charity shop and steal the shop assistant's belongings? Maybe they don't have much money.. maybe they need money to feed their children or a drug habit... Maybe they're just JERKS!?

Anyway..

It's been an emotional day.. Before this all happened I made a spur of the moment decision to make a doctors appointment. My favourite doctor has started working five doors down from the shop where I work and only works on Fridays. I called, expecting that there would be no appointments available but there was one at 2pm so without thinking, I said "yep, I'll take it". I made arrangements to take a late lunch break and prepared myself to be brutally honest with her.

It was only half an hour before the appointment that I realised we'd been robbed so I was already very fragile so when I sat down in the doctor's office all my emotions started bubbling out and I was a mess.

I told her that I have been feeling really crappy and have been out of control binge eating every day. That I am terrified that if I don't do something soon I will end up putting on 20kg before the year is out. That I have 3 kids (one of whom is a foster child with lots of issues we need to work through with her daily), I work full time and I am supporting my husband through uni and I am so so stressed.. I also said that I have been holding it together for a long time and to the outside onlooker, I look like I am doing ok..

But the bingeing never happens when anyone is looking.. It's secret. It happens in the car and at work.. where we sell blocks of chocolate.. that damn delicious fair trade chocolate.. No one needs to see the wrappers. I don't need to be embarrassed. But I know what I do.. and it makes me feel disgusting.

The wonderful doctor sat with me for longer than my allocated time slot and asked me what I do that is just for me... regularly.. When I couldn't answer her question she asked me what I wanted to do for myself regularly.. I couldn't answer that either... it all just feels like a big effort. In the end I was able to identify that I have a gym membership that I'm not using so I might look up a class.. Not aerobics or anything too full on just yet.. something a little more gentle and enjoyable like yoga and book it in regularly. I also said I'd like to go walking more often. And do more intentional craft.. not just "oh I have 10 minutes before bed, let's make half a granny square".

When I said that I really want to avoid anything that feels like a diet she said "good.. diet's don't work anyway. Let's look at what is nourishing for you". She referred me for blood tests and has begun the process of setting up a mental health plan so I can get some subsidised psychology sessions.

I have called and left a message for the psychologist. I'm pretty scared actually.

But also relieved.  The truth is out now..

I have a binge eating disorder and I need to own that. 

Here are a couple of nice things that I have come home to tonight.. Our weekly veggie box was at the door when I arrived home.. so bright and fresh. Certainly a brighter spot in a crappy day.

John and the girls went out and bought me some supplies to get me through the night (they are all out tonight) and set them up on the bench like this.. I'll try not to eat it all in half an hour... And look at that lovely lovely brooch... John found it in Northcote today.. If you know anyone that has lost an Emily Green brooch in Northcote let them know it decided to pop in to my place to make me feel better this afternoon.. if they want it back.. umm.. well.. let's let the brooch choose where it wants to be.

Giving and sharing and welfare...

I love the idea of sharing. It's so so important to me to cultivate a sense of reciprocity in my life and in the lives of my kids. Also in our community.

Since beginning my social work career quite a few years ago I've been irritated by the welfare culture that exists within large community and not for profit organisations... you know what I mean....  "Poor" folks lining up for a food voucher or a bundle of poor quality canned or packaged  goods to keep them going through the week. Now, don't get me wrong.. I value the contribution of those who run and work for big welfare organisations.. really I do.. and they are necessary. Many families wouldn't get by from week to week without a food voucher. I get that.

I guess what has frustrated me for a long time is the massive power imbalance that is created when a well meaning, well dressed, middle class social worker (like me) sits behind a desk and makes decisions about the lives of the "poor" or "less fortunate" acting as a gate keeper between the "greedy" poor and the food bank or book of  supermarket vouchers (stamped NOT TO BE USED TO PURCHASE ALCOHOL OR CIGARETTES).

It's just never felt right to me.

I feel that community is the answer.. family to be more specific. When we are able to view our community (even the ones who are SO different to us) like family we are less likely to be selfish with our belongings, money and our selves. We are more likely to want to share what we have and try to make sure our friends have what they need... and in turn.. they make sure we have what we need.

Sounds pretty simple. But I'm sure you know as well as I do that it's not.

When we choose to hang out with those who don't really fit in to society we take ourselves in to uncharted territory and expose ourselves to the ups and downs of real relationships. Sometimes it's great.. other times it's just shitty and hard.

I am part of a special Salvos community in inner city Melbourne. One of our main aims is to act as a pseudo "family" to those who don't fit in. I have been thinking a lot recently about how we can encourage generosity between all the members of out community... no matter how much money we all have and have taken inspiration from some friends of mine- the Urban Seed mob in Norlane- and created a Share Cupboard where people can bring food or other goods to contribute and they can take what they need.

I worked up these signs today..

What are your thoughts on this? How do you connect with your community? What's your community like? Where do you see generosity in your life?

Let me know in the comments..

Ash
xo

Little changes make all the difference

This week I have tweaked my routine a little bit.. and I mean a really little bit- I have still been very busy and pretty stressed out juggling sick kids and not being able to find enough reliable child care for the little fella. But there have been a few great things big and small and I am determined to focus on those good things and be grateful for them. 

One little change I've made is that I have made time thrice (yes.. I'm using the word thrice!) this week to go for a walk. Once around the streets of Footscray where I noticed this beautiful rose. Set on the background of dark gloomy clouds I actually thought about a comparison my friend Mayra made the other day between roses in Footscray and our beautiful, messy, wonderful, awful community. There is so much beauty in the midst of chaos and at times, ugliness. The other two walks were at a local park and down at Point Lonsdale. Both gorgeous places to walk.

On Tuesday I took time to stop and marvel at the amazing tropical fish at the aquarium at the Royal Children's Hospital. We noticed that all the fishies barrack for the Tigers. I pass this tank most weeks but rarely stop and enjoy it. It's such a lovely addition to the hospital.

On Wednesday and Thursday nights I made time to crochet. An activity that gives me so much. Relaxation, mental stimulation, creative thoughts, connection with others. This orange square has been posted off to Pip Lincolne to sew together with squares from others to make a blanket for the little boy in Ipswich who lost his hands after being thrown a "golf ball" that was actually a small home made bomb. So awful. :(

I also taught myself how to make these great (and very quick) hexagons using a pattern also created by Pip Lincolne. I think I'll make them into a cushion. I am very inspired by Pip and her hard, yet joyfully creative and generous work. Big virtual hugs and kisses to you Pip! 

I decided to work half a day from home on Thursday this week. It was lovely to dag around in my big fat tracky pants and slippers and still be productive and hang out with the wee man. 

Mum picked the little guy up on Thursday night. He stayed with her on Friday and had a delightful time playing on the beach and being spoilt. After work on Friday I picked up the biggest girl and we stayed the night at mum's so we could get up early and walk on the beach. Here's a picture of A being a conservationist and saving turtles and seals by collecting old fishing line from the pier and disposing of it properly. 

Here's me enjoying being freezing on the pier. I love the cooler weather so much.

We didn't spend the whole day down at the beach as A needed to be back for a show she had tickets for. John took the whole gang and I had the house to myself for the afternoon so I could meet with Mayra and we could do some work on our exciting new venture! A vintage Etsy shop! 

We have been scouring opp shops for treasures and we have quite the stash now. We are at the photographing stage and we plan to launch in 2-3 weeks. Stay tuned for more info soon!! 

I don't have a photo of anything from my night last night but the highlight of my week was going out for delicious dosa, coffee and cheesecake with Mezz and chatting away the evening. It's something that we haven't done for such a long time- life has kind of got in the way, but we definitely intend to go on more Ash and Mezz dates! We see each other several times a week but it always involves kids, spouses and other community friends so going out just the two of us was a very uncommon treat. Thanks Mezz, it was totally lovely and life giving xxxoo..

This morning I had a bit of a lie in and enjoyed an impromptu concert from these sweeties.

And then we spent the day doing a long overdue "spring" (autumn) clean of our bedroom and the back craft room/study.  I can't tell you how much better I feel for doing this job. My favourite place in the house is now the cupboard in the craft room. 

Here's the organised cupboard. This space has been a constant stress with boxes, paper, tangled wool and scraps of fabric.. now it is the epitome of loveliness.. and the children have to ask to go in there! Lol.

And my creative space.. Ahhhhhh....

Isn't it amazing how cleaning and organising a space can make you feel physically better? Do you have any spaces you need to organise? Have you recently de-cluttered?? Why not share your tips below?

:)

Happy Mother's Day

It's been a very long time between posts. To say that life has been busy would be an understatement. As my last post (5 months ago... where did the time go?) suggested, I have been working like a trooper to support the family while John studies and just about everything else has been put on the back burner..

I really have neglected a lot of things that make me feel good and "together"... classic overworked mother syndrome.. and now I am feeling stressed, tired, over-stuffed (all my clothes are too tight), and uninspired creatively. I really feel that this needs to change so I thought re-kindling this old blog of mine might help me to identify and begin to address these things. I've been inspired by my sisters (in-law) Mezz of "Mezz Makes Stuff" and Taz of "Butter and Buntings", to use this space to document my creative endeavours and also chat about the good, the bad, the irritating and joyful stuff that life throws our way.

I promise it wont be too gloomy but I really need to figure out how to put myself somewhere among my top few priorities as I fear if I don't I'll end up right back where I was 10 years ago (118kg). Food has always been my comfort in times of stress and I often don't realise I am stressed until I have spent a few days.. weeks... months bingeing on stuff that is really bad for me. I am not anti-fat.. I love curves.. I just feel awful right now and I know what it feels like to be fit and to put good food into my body at most meals and I know I want to feel that again.

I need to get my health back in the spotlight but I don't want to be all crazy and obsessive about it. I want to eat like a normal person without it being the main focus of my life.

On that note... let's talk about today!

Today has been a gorgeous Mother's Day.. My two belly babes and my foster babe have made me feel very special and spoilt me with a lovely breakfast and a handful of carefully selected presents. They know me very well. I stayed in bed while they scurried around preparing things. I ate a delicious 2 course breakfast of cheesy leek toasties and eggs and tomato salsa on toast and sipped espresso out of my new Marimekko mug that the girls chose for me (I get a new one each special occasion).

I am at my Nan's now where we have had a delightful lunch and spent quality time hanging out, drinking tea and ducking outside for the occasional kick of the footy.

It's been idyllic.

I might leave it there today and show you a few photos of my lovely morning... I'll have a think about my next post and try to be positive and proactive rather than whiny.

If you read this.. please do leave a comment!

xxoo

Excuse the poor quality picture but I wanted to share the lovely "mum" cakes that my darling foster daughter baked me. So lovely..

She works hard for the money...

I have been a very busy girl lately!

I recently got another job coordinating a lovely local shop! It's part of a great organisation called Green Collect. I am spending my days selling products that I believe in and am excited to be part of another organisation that does a lot of good in the community.

All the products we sell in our shops are made using socially and environmentally responsible practices and our collections and upcycling staff create lovely new stationary products out of office waste (redundant letter heads, binders, manila folders etc) collected from businesses around Melbourne.

The upcycling studio creates jobs for people who may have experienced homelessness or other barriers to employment. There is a sewing enterprise project with a group of African women who make and sell lovely products from upcycled blankets, shirts and ties. We also have a great range of very high quality recycled clothing- lots of designer brands at a fraction of the cost of buying new!

I am really loving my two workplaces and I am pretty much working full time now. This is more than I anticipated but I think it is the right decision for our family. We will probably face some childcare challenges in the new year but I am a firm believer that things work out if they are meant to be.

If you are interested in checking out our lovely wares, we have a new Facebook page CLICK HERE. You can also purchase upcycled products via our Etsy store CLICK HERE

As requested.. The lemon cake recipe to end all lemon cake recipes!!

I believe that food should be enjoyed, and while I do need to limit the quantity and ensure the quality is top-notch, I don't believe in avoiding treats! 

Food is not naughty.. it's delicious!!

So, in the interest of balance, I give you the ultimate lemon cake recipe!!

**warning- contains nuts**

Nigella's Lemon Cake (adapted from How to Eat)

400g lemons

250g caster sugar

250g ground almonds

6 eggs

1tsp baking powder

Place lemons in a saucepan, cover with boiling water and simmer for 1-1.5 hours or until the lemons are very tender (a spoon should easily break the skin). Top up with boiling water from the kettle if the water gets too low. Once cooked, remove from water and allow to cool.

Pre-heat oven to 190c degrees and grease and line an 8" round cake tin (or use patty pans like we did!)

Place the cooled lemons in a food processor and whiz them up until they are a fine puree. Pick out any pips that are left over. Add the rest of the ingredients and whiz again until it's all combined.

Pour into pan and bake for about an hour (or until a skewer comes out clean). Check it at the 40 minute mark and place some foil over the top to stop the cake from browning too much (we didn't do this and ended up with dark tops... it was a great excuse to blob some lemon cream on the top!).

Turn the cake out on a tray and allow to cool. As I said, pop some sweetened lemon cream on the top for an extra treat or make up some lemon cream cheese icing... yummy!!!

Enjoy with a cuppa and you've got the makings of a lovely morning or afternoon tea!

I love my strong and muscular body..

I have learned to love my body.

After two kids and many years of my weight yoyoing up and down I am finally at a place where my health is far far more important than my vanity.

I am at peace with my stretch marks and my saggy tummy because as many other women have expressed, they symbolise the amazing function my body has performed... growing two 9+lb babies and holding them safely until term.

I haven't always felt this way. I have said very cruel things to myself over the years. Things I would never say to anyone else! I have believed I am ugly, too fat, too tall, with frizzy and unruly hair.

But now, at almost 28 I've had enough of all that shit.. enough!!

I am not ugly! I am beautiful! Just the right height, my hair is actually great! When I care for it properly, it is very well behaved and does what I tell it to! It's thick and has a lovely soft curl.

I will not hate my body or judge anyone else based on their size, shape, colour or ability.

Health is not about being thin!

I lift weights. I love weights!

I feel powerful, strong, able. I am knowledgable and my form is always perfect. I am very good at weights. My body doesn't ever let me down on the weights floor.

I love my strong and muscular body and I will continue to train it and care for it because it deserves my effort.

I decided to do this post as part of the I Heart My Body Campaign at We Heart Life. I love how positive this campaign is! Love it!! I am now going to go check out how other lovely women are feeling about their bodies!

When TV looks just like life and makes me laugh and cry.

Last night's episode of Modern Family had our family in stitches!

It was the one where all the women in the Dunphy household had their periods at the same time and the fellas spent the whole time tip-toeing around trying not to do or say anything wrong. The funniest scene was one set in the bathroom and involved a lot of fake blood and screaming.. Oh.. good times..

The three women were tired, foggy, irritable, crying at the drop of a hat and behaving in a very stereotypically "PMS" kind of way. If I could be bothered being a raging feminist I might look at it more critically- however- I'm not doing that.. What I am going to do is let myself enjoy laughing at an experience that I myself have struggled a lot with over the years.

I think the episode touched a nerve for me because, despite having lots of period issues throughout my life, I haven't really felt like this for ages! Funnily enough, this week has been a shocker for me in that way. I haven't cried so much in such a long time. I have felt too tired to exercise, very sad, queazy, have wanted to sleep and sleep, and have been bloated and sore.

Last night I bawled my eyes out because a little girl on the TV show "Life at 7" (ABC) said she wanted to be a bio-medical scientist. Her dad had been a cleaner, then his business went bust.  The family spent some time living in poverty and her father was in and out of jobs. This awesome guy wanted his kids to have higher expectations in life so he led by example and went back to uni to study... you guessed it... bio-medical science! WAAAAH!!

I had an IUD put in at the beginning of the year and since then my periods have been fine. But for some reason, this cycle has been a doozie! So this Modern Family episode really gave me a giggle.

A new favourite term, as coined by "Luke" is "Monstruation".. teehee!

I couldn't find a clip of the actual episode, but I thought I should leave you with something to give you a chuckle so let's have some fun with Cam!